Fowl Play

The thought crossed my mind that I have been talking about our resident bush turkey for weeks and not once shown you a picture of it. We’ve seen this creature more than the landlord, so I wouldn’t be surprised if this turkey actually runs the gaff, storing cheques in the 4ft mounds he’s busy building from garden debris in the back yard. As you can see, they roam quite freely in these parts, waddling right up to your front door and, if you’re not paying attention, they’ll knick your sandwiches off the picnic table. I’ve also recently learnt that buried deep within these mounds of leaves and dirt could be up to 24 eggs, that’s if the goannas don’t get to them first. Both of these creatures are native to Australia, so although the locals may get used to the sight of a turkey v. goanna bush brawl, I’m still utterly captivated by the pair of them. So remember, kids, a turkey’s not just for Christmas.

Another quick Altiyan Childs update, who has become a bit of a Toxic Math favourite and is now finally being recognised as the nation’s favourite TV nutcase. According to this, ‘The X Factor’ singer missed midweek rehearsals with his mentor Ronan Keating after falling asleep in a cave. “I fell asleep at sunrise and my phone died,” said Childs, a 35 year old forklift truck driver from New South Wales. “I rushed back to civilisation and I realised it was 1pm… I had commitments at 8am and I wasn't there.” The singer went to the cave at 2am on Tuesday morning to “reconnect” with the “beautiful sadness” of Sydney's northern beaches. His “sadness”, according to the singer, is “my secret power… what drives me through the song.” It must have been that same ‘beautiful sadness’ that really helped last week, when he so passionately belted out ‘Living on a Prayer’ by Bon Jovi.

This will only help his cause, what with being the only rewarding aspect of a relatively dry competition. Altiyan’s problem is that he’s actually quite good, in a guilty, pub singer, no-hoper kind of way. Given how he’s in a perpetual state of anguish, it’s hard to tell whether he’s actually enjoying all the hype. He’s got a face that, even if he was offering you a compliment, it would still look like he’s breaking up with you. The slightly troubling news regarding ‘Cavegate’ (just go with it) is when you read the bit about the cave being a special place for him and his ex-fiancé, with whom he has been separated for eight years. Eight years! Who else is bargaining on a reunion photo shoot of the couple on the cover of New Idea when the show’s over? Get the hankies ready.

Ever ready to credit a good gag, my girlfriend’s explanation of a Roman Catholic canonisation process being one where you are “fired out of a canon” certainly deserves acknowledgement, although maybe a little gunpowder might have helped to spice up the extended live coverage of Mary MacKillop’s ceremony to become Australia’s very first saint. Some 8,000 Aussies made the long haul to Vatican City for the show. I’ve been there before when the Pope is in residence and it’s like a U2 concert, only a little less reserved. You can now relive the magic with the Blessed Mary DVD: a day of huge international significance for Australia, whether you believe in miracles or not, recognising a woman who was, by all accounts, highly regarded even in her own lifetime, founding schools in regional Australia with an emphasis on educating the poor.

She died in 1909, which is quite important to the whole canonisation process, alongside the evidence of miracles, which caused most of the cynical press to open up the ‘science versus religion’ cupboard and rattle a few skeletons, something that tends to happen during big religious celebrations. “These things betray a false thinking that is not limited to Mary MacKillop or religion,” says Professor Chris Del Mar from Bond University to the Brisbane Times, questioning the testimony of Kathleen Evans, 66, who seemingly recovered from lung cancer in 1993 after praying to MacKillop. Del Mar believes miracles are part of a “wider problem of people not understanding scientific and mathematical methods”, which the article claims has been “exemplified by newspapers printing horoscopes and people using alternative medicines that had little evidentiary support.” When asked why she felt she had been chosen for the miracle cure at a press conference in January, Evans said, “When I finally do get upstairs [to heaven] that'll be the first question I'll ask.”

Anyway, my girlfriend’s joke reminded me of that old one about the two nuns who are driving at night when they encounter Dracula in the middle of the road. “Quick,” says one of the nuns, “show him your cross.” The second nun agrees, winds her window down and shouts, “Oi! Dracula, get out of the bloody road!”