Croc and Roll

There are only two species of crocodile in Australia - freshwater and saltwater - but both will almost certainly kill you, if not make you very late for work. Male salties in north Queensland can grow up to seven metres in length and are regarded as the more volatile of the two species. They have been known to grapple with horses and cattle who stray too close to the water’s edge. If you’re squeamish, you might want to skip this bit: a crocodile’s jaw is made of sharp, overlapping teeth which can close but not chew. So, to put it bluntly, a crocodile can only tear off parts of your anatomy in chunks to make swallowing easier, which is why certain urban tales tell of dismembered body parts found in the tops of trees near the grisly site of crocodile attacks.

The worst story I’ve heard so far concerning a crocodile attack is that of a 34 year old man in 2004 who, while camping in Cape York (located on the very tip of north Queensland), was attacked in his tent by a crocodile just over four metres in length. He was only saved by the quick thinking of a 60 year old woman who not only happened to be sleeping in the same campsite, but also had a shotgun handy to dispose of the croc. Eye witnesses say the woman jumped on the crocodile’s back in an almost Steve Irwin act of cavalier heroism. But the scariest part of the story is that the tent, within which slept “eight adults, several children and a baby” (according to ABC News), was far beyond the vicinity of almost certain crocodile danger. In the frightening words of Mark Read from Queensland Parks and Wildlife Services: “It traversed the beach and came into the campsite,” ready to attack.

There’s a freshwater croc in a makeshift billabong at Underwater World (a giant aquarium in Mooloolaba on the Sunshine Coast), and it’s in a docile mood today. Called Marge (she's pictured above), this freshie doesn’t look like the sort to leap into a tent and cause a spontaneous bloodbath, but the assistant at feeding time still isn’t taking any chances. “We used to have two crocodiles but the other one died,” she tells me, before adding simply, “one’s probably enough.”

You won’t find crocs on the Sunshine Coast, of course, a beautiful stretch of touristy shoreline south of the Coral Sea and incorporating many safe and well maintained beaches. Crocs, especially Marge, have adapted to love the more stagnant waters up north. The concern down here is sharks. Luckily, the ‘Sharks Alive’ part of the Underwater World tour lets you ogle at these creatures from behind 60mm of thick acrylic, allowing the visitor to enjoy the fully immersive views of the inside of a giant fish tank, just like The Deep in Hull. I mention this merely by comparison, because The Deep has one hammerhead shark, whereas this tank (holding 2.5 million litres of water) includes bull sharks, grey nurses, stingrays, large coral fish like red emperor and barramundi and countless other varieties.

The grey nurse shark, by the way, is the one featured in the film Jaws. The grey nurse has suffered a vast decline in numbers following the mass hysteria that Steven Spielberg’s film caused. Recent predictions claim that there are only around 400 grey nurses left in the east coast ocean. The bull shark, we are told, has also been given a bad press, possibly because these intimidating creatures can reach up to 3 metres in length, yet there is a one in 400 million chance of actually being eaten by one. “Most humans who are eaten are spat out,” we are told, which must be quite some relief to the only partially masticated.

One staff member at Underwater World tells us that “it is far more dangerous to drive to the beach than to swim in the sea,” but I’d like to see the figures for this. Firstly, to draw such a conclusion you would need to compare statistics on how many people use Australian roads (just about everybody) as to how many people swim in the sea (only nutcases). Secondly, this claim doesn’t take into account the fact that it is only ever advised to swim in certain areas of the ocean which are well guarded and include all the necessary safety precautions, like lifeguards and shark nets. But even then, the nets can’t protect you from, say, the box jellyfish, which will quite successfully kill you in less than an hour, or indeed a feisty cone fish, or a blue ringed octopus, the venom of which can disable your respiratory muscles within minutes. I’ll take my chances in the car, thank you.

Sharks are extraordinary creatures, though. The bull shark, for instance, prefers to loiter in murky waters at both sunrise and sunset (prime surfing times, apparently), and therefore can’t rely on its limited eye sight to catch its prey. Instead, the shark relies on an electro sensitivity to detect even the slightest muscle movements from up to a mile away. The Great White Shark can trump that, however, detecting one drop of blood in water from distances of up to 5km away, according to the National Geographic website. For $225, you can dive with the sharks in the Oceanarium at Underwater World, or you could just choose to chew your own arms off. A tough call for some, obviously.

On the less murderous side of things, we sit down to enjoy half an hour on Seal Island, where a crackpot duo of highly trained seals flick frisbees to each other and balance beach balls on their cute button noses, all to our baying pleasure. It’s a bizarre circus act which manages to be both glorious and uncomfortable at exactly the same time. This convincing stage show features well timed voiceovers for the two streetwise seals (it is aimed at kids) who hustle with their human captors, unflatteringly called Dingbat and Sharkbait. The premise has us - the guests - visiting an island run by seals where the creatures have been breeding humans in captivity. A bikini-clad “26 year old female” appears on screen. She’s a recent addition that the seals hope will “substantially increase our breeding options.” They continue: “Humans have never been bred in captivity before, but signs are positive with this very friendly girl.” Please. There are children present.

I mentioned my unease earlier to highlight the moralistic concern I have for using animals for entertainment, as we can’t help but compare these images with certain atrocities that we see going on around the world, all under the similarly strained guise of ‘entertainment’. But then again, if we’re going to bring this up, surely the whole idea of glass panelled enclosures is cruel to begin with, and no matter how happy the seals on Seal Island look, surely this is no substitute to the life that they could be leading in their natural habitat? This is, of course, undoubtedly why I can be quite testing company.

Of course, as the seals are only too ready to point out, their natural habitats are continually being threatened by human intervention, whether this be through pollution, littering or over fishing. A new survey of the sea, conducted by the Census of Marine Life, discovered that out of 25 key regions around the world, the Australian and Japanese waters are the most biodiverse on the planet. In Australia, you can find up to 33,000 different species of marine life, and they’re discovering more all the time. Underwater World features an adequate display of the weird and wonderful, with giant Japanese spider crabs (which grow up to four metres in length), rare tropical seahorses, and reef fish of astounding creativity, like the Picasso triggerfish. Judging by the picture above, there are no guesses needed as to how this creature got it’s name.

But threats to the reef are many, from poor water quality which enters from polluted rivers to oil spills, climate change, shipping and cyclones. Yet conservation is strong here, and there seems to be an almost inherent respect for the oceans in Australia and all the many wonders that live within, while a place like Underwater World is a pretty good way to experience but a mere fraction of it. 


AU Tube: Understanding Australian TV
‘Q&A’ (ABC1)

This is the Australian version of ‘Question Time’, chaired by the cuddly Tony Jones who even looks a bit like a younger Dimbleby, but maybe one of the brothers that they don’t talk about very much. There was only one panellist this week, PM Julia Gillard, who remained calm despite a full auditorium of imposing cameras, a revved up audience and the come hither eyes of presenter Jones, asking all the pertinent questions like, “have you ever been called a ranga?” This is an Aussie term used to refer to those with red hair, which Gillard has plenty. It takes roughly 30 minutes until the PM is quizzed on policy, which is obviously quite important, considering there is a federal election here this coming Saturday.

Ah, elections, you can’t beat them. What drama! The one in the UK already seems like a distant memory, when the country binged on Bigotgate, Cleggmania, SamCam and a plethora of other buzzwords, before waking up to find that the party that didn’t win was actually in power. Sigh. It’s enough to make you positively homesick.

Elections played by Aussie rules are just as questionable, it seems, but here we only have two real contenders: Julia Gillard’s fractured Labor party, fresh from hoisting their own leader and their policies along with it, and Tony Abbott’s Liberal-National coalition. Abbott seems to resemble a Terminator, sent from the future to protect Australia’s borders from any darkies that might want to contribute to the local economy. He’s not on the show tonight, unfortunately, his turn comes tomorrow. In his absence, you can’t help but be reminded of Abbott’s recent quote of being “too busy” to take part in another TV electoral debate, despite their obvious significance. If you want to learn anything about how the Australian people view politics and their politicians, then you can take quite a lot from the fact that when the first TV debate between these two leaders took place, it was rescheduled to an earlier timeslot so that it didn’t clash with the ‘MasterChef’ final.

As for policy, I’m finding it a bit rich to hear both parties talk so incessantly about climate change when, for example, Abbott could be found jetting off to three separate locations in one day earlier in the week. Given the vast distances involved, if Gillard actually wins she will surely be offsetting her carbon footprint well into her second term, probably by sitting in a cold room for her first three years in office. Abbott said this regarding climate change: “I fully accept we only have one planet to live on,” thereby flatly refuting any future Liberal policies to colonise another planet.

Gillard is a great speaker, mind, who has developed a simple knack of thanking the questioner, then politely telling them why they’re wrong, before finding room for a slight smile and, if you’re lucky, a gag. “John Howard didn’t know what it was like to be a mother,” she says to claims of her preaching about family values despite not having a family of her own. This accusation has kept Gillard’s PR team working overtime, securing a frightening Woman’s Weekly cover shoot which somehow made the PM look like a former royal horse trainer (evidence pictured opposite). This blatant recasting is textbook spin and may scare rather than secure the family vote.

But at least she’s not saying “moving forward” every five minutes. This was getting infuriating, and reminded me of that episode of ‘The Simpson’s’ where Bob Dole’s body is usurped on the campaign trail by a bemused space alien: “We must move forward, not backward. Upward, not forward, and always twirling,” he garbles from the podium. Gillard looks much more believable when she is less animated. She has admitted to being an atheist, which is refreshing, although has somewhat outdated opinions on gay marriage. She has an affable charm, but whether a vote for Gillard is merely a vote for a scapegoat before the Labor faithful think of someone more user friendly - like the way Kevin Rudd was dumped before her - will surely be enough to plant a slight seed of doubt in the electorate’s mind.

The show makes room for one final dismissive, however, with a question regarding indigenous representation in the Constitution and how Aboriginal issues have so far been ignored on the campaign trail. Gillard answers, as fully as possible, before Tony Jones interrupts to say that they have run out of time. Ouch.