Strike It Lucky

So, the cookie crumbles. An apt metaphor, but even more apt if you were to replace the word ‘cookie’ with ‘regional newspapers’ and ‘crumbles’ with ‘lost in a painstaking shit storm.’ And you know who’s fault this is, don’t you? It’s you, you moron, reading this, for free. Maybe you’ve borrowed someone’s iPhone to read this and connected to a wireless router at Heston services with no intention of contacting your nearest ISP to negotiate a drip feed of standing orders, freeloading broadband while you scope out Google’s latest apps while leaning on the news stands. Of course, it’s me too, writing this. I don’t get paid for this. Oh no. Because that’s a major part of the problem too, and where I share the sentiment of those Yorkshire Post staffers who have just started one of two four day strikes because of Johnston Press’ decision to enforce compulsory redundancies at two of Yorkshire’s most treasured institutions - one of which being the Yorkshire Post itself, Britain’s first daily newspaper which dates back to the middle of the 18th century.

Of course, they didn’t know a blog from a banana in those days, and if those first burgeoning journalists were paid it was probably only in recompense for catching a sniff of Pitt the Elder’s hair piece. The fact is, nowadays, you don’t need to spend your pocket money on regional news when you can open three separate Firefox tabs and read about death and taxes on any number of up-to-the-minute, non-committal and, yes, free websites. And there are too many trainee journalists who are quite content to type on a voluntary basis to ‘expand their portfolios,’ and not receive a penny. If I was a cigar-chomping media tycoon pitching copy from my own swivel chair, particularly in such testing times (no more MFI, like, what the hell is going on?), I’d tap up every university this side of the River Aire, get freshers in as errand monkeys, ditch the editorial staff altogether and sell, sell, sell…

There’s a problem here, of course, because if you downgrade the quality of an already established, trusted and, above all, local institution, particularly one with an honest reputation of journalistic integrity dating well over 250 years, then you’re merely producing a substandard, down graded product which would never be able to compete with the constant Twitters and serial bloggers that caused this bloody panic in the first place. The Yorkshire Post looks set to lose some brilliant, hard-working and experienced local journalists as a result of this, and it’s sad, because despite what you may have read (online, probably), regional media is not dead. Heavens, no. It just needs some new apps.

Top Ten Top Ten

Top Ten Lists. Is there anything more offensively obtrusive than some bozo compiling a meaningless list telling you how you should be spending your life? Bragging about great restaurants, hotels, and cities you will never experience (and in all likelihood they never have either), yeah, well today I am that Bozo. This ain’t no middle brow Guardian boast-athon, but a hard hitting, life affirming, quality compilation of compilations. So lie back, and let the lists lap gently at your feet.

First off, my Top Ten Best Things (generally).

1. The Piano
2. Literature
3. Alcohol
4. The Wheel
5. Electricity
6. Marijuana
7. The Lychee
8. Blurry edged flashbacks/dream sequences in T.V shows/films
9. School Uniforms (You know what I mean)
10. Crispy strips of Mongolian Lamb

So, impressed yet? If you are, then don’t be, you’re too easily impressed, you ain’t gonna get anywhere in life being so easily pleased, stopping to marvel at the reflection in every puddle, “cos, man, it’s so beautiful’” Get real. And if you’re not impressed yet, my reply is two-fold. First, why not? That is a fucking quality list, get real. Second, you just wait for the lists awaiting you below; they will blow your socks off.

The Top Ten list of Top Ten Lists.

1. The Top Ten Best Things (generally). N.b see above, it is a fucking quality top ten list.

2. The Top Ten Albums. (1.Highway 61 Revisited – Bob Dylan, 2.Born to Run – Bruce Springsteen, 3.Dark Side of the Moon – Pink Floyd, 4. Kind of Blue – Miles Davis, 5.Who’s Next – The Who, 6.Exile on Main Street – The Rolling Stones, 7. Revolver – The Beatles, 8.OK Computer – Radiohead, 9. The Black Album –Jay Z, 10. London Calling – The Clash)

3. The Top Ten Coolest Animals. (1.Cats. 2. Dogs. 3. Penguins. 4. Puffins. 5. Seals. 6.Pigs. 7. Bears. 8. Sloths. 9. Hippos. 10. Dolphins.)

4. The Top Ten Neighbours Fitties. (1.Janea Timmins, 2. Anne Wilkinson, 3. Felicity Scully, 4. Rachel Kinsky, 5. Elle Robinson, 6. Annalise Hartman, 7. Jo Hartman, 8. Libby Kennedy, 9. Dione Bliss, 10. Izzy Hoyland. Look them up, You’ll see)

5. My Top Ten Dylan Songs, on 04/02/09, like snowflakes, no two Dylan lists are commensurate. (1. Like a Rolling Stone, 2. Blind Willie McTell, 3. Every Grain of Sand, 4. Desolation Row, 5. All along the Watchtower, 6. Born in Time, 7. I Dreamed I Saw St. Augustine, 8. It’s Alright Ma (I’m only bleeding), 9. Missippi, 10. Huck’s Tune.

6. My Top Ten Beatle Songs. (1. A Day in the Life, 2. Come Together, 3. While My Guitar Gently Weeps, 4. Something, 5. I’m Only Sleeping, 6. Tomorrow Never Knows, 7.Yer Blues, 8. I Am the Walrus, 9. In My Life, 10. Let it be – I guess McCartney should have at least one.)

7. My Top Ten U.S Presidents. (1.Washington, 2. Lincoln, 3. F.D.R., 4. Jefferson, 5. Teddy Roosevelt, 6. Wilson, 7. Jackson, 8. Madison, 9. Eisenhower, 10. J.F.K.)

8. My Top Ten List of Cheryl Cole. (1. Cheryl Cole, 2. Cheryl Cole, 3. Cheryl Cole, 4. Cheryl Cole, 5. Cheryl Cole, 6. Cheryl Cole, 7. Cheryl Cole, 8. Cheryl Cole, 9. Cheryl Cole, 10. Cheryl Cole. Kind of predictable top 3 there, but I defy you to propose anybody else.)

9. Top Ten Funny Web Addresses. (1.Powergenitalia.com, 2.IPanywhere.com, 3.Mp3shits.com, 4. Teacherstalk.com, 5. Speedofart.com, 6. Whorepresents.com, 7. Expertsexchange.com, 8. Penisland.com, 9.Accesstheraprist.com, 10. Webone.com.au

10. Kind of inevitably going to go a bit guardian on your arse here, and finish off at number ten with my Top Ten works of fiction, and outrageously, it is no particular order. 1. The Glass Bead Game – Herman Hesse, 2. The Old Man and the Sea – Ernest Hemingway, 3. Fugitive Pieces – Anne Michaels, 4. Brave New World – Aldous Huxley, 5. Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy, 6. Nausea – Jean-Paul Sartre, 7. Catcher in the Rye – J.D.Salinger, 8. The Great Gatsby – F.Scott Fitzgerald, 9. 1984 – George Orwell, 10. White Teeth – Zadie Smith.)

So, all listed out yet? If you have enjoyed the lists you have read here today, why not try making some of your own. Don’t send ‘em to me though, I don’t wanna hear about it, you see I just lost all my listing spirit.

Snow Limit

Having experienced the great Tidmoor Snow Slide of 1994, where a flash storm of heavy ice caused the death of fourteen dogs in the Devonshire area alone, this may be the worst conditions experienced in Britain for twenty years but, as you well know, it is far from the pits. Search back into the deep recesses of human memory and you’ll no doubt remember the sad demise of Percy Cartwright, the seminal botanical researcher who was frozen into his car and forced to eat the leaves of a nearby peace lily, and whose lectures, many have argued, were never the same again. Here are a few examples of similar snow stories that will help to put the current climate into perspective.

The Penrith Pile Up - When over 40 schools were closed in 1972, Cumbrian schoolchildren utilised the 14 inches of overnight snow fall by creating the world’s largest snowman. Over 50ft in height, the snowman was created as part of a school science project using authentic building methods used by the Ancient Egyptians when constructing the Great Pyramid of Khufu. The world record attempt was cut short when the head of the snowman, considered to have been too top heavy due to a design fault, toppled onto the hard shoulder of the M6 causing icy debris to close the slip road west from Keswick.

The Cincinnati Snowball - This now infamous cocktail of vermouth, ice, lime and soda water was created in memory of the late shot-putter Cleveland Spencer - a hero in his home state of Ohio - who during the Great Freeze of 1977 rescued two small children from the site of an horrific car crash by shattering both the windscreen and passenger seats with two separate snowballs. Spencer’s skills did not go unnoticed and the athlete went on to represent his city in the cross county shot-put trials, only to lose out on points to a Cardinal from Kentucky.

Salisbury Snow Angel - When retired pensioner Mavis Merriweather found herself frozen into her own kitchen during the great winter of 1942, it was local postman Clifton Potter who first raised the alarm. Potter was dubbed the ‘Salisbury Snow Angel’ after his heroic efforts during the height of the German bombing campaign over areas of the West Country where he single handedly rescued over 30 elderly ladies from their homes using a series of homemade winches and a sleigh made entirely from recycled jiffy bags.