Following the news that all foreigners seeking British citizenship are now required to undergo a strict 45 minute test to determine their knowledge on the social, political and historical landscape of the country, I thought it wise to undergo a quick revision session on the subject prior to submission. As you’ll no doubt be aware, with the Australian authorities querying my state papers and a missed call from a strawberry farm in Queensland expecting me to turn up on Monday morning, it is with great haste that I hope you can help. Having no access to any research materials other than a Radio Times annual from 1986 and a Blockbuster video card, please excuse me if a number of the more specific details regarding dates, places and people are slightly inaccurate. The majority of the answers were written with a pencil on the back of a bus ticket, and, as you well know, it can be hard to read my handwriting at the best of times.
Life in the UK says to be British means you should...
Preheat your oven to Gas Mark 6
Almost 60m people live in the UK. By what factor do the native-born English outnumber their Scots or Welsh neighbours?
By a ration of 3:1. Although this is heavily dependent on rush hour traffic.
"The origins of our Parliament were in the early Middle Ages. In 1215 the great barons forced rights from a tyrannical King John". What is that document called?
The Da Vinci Code
When did all 18-year-olds get the vote?
2007 (this subsequently resulted in Leon Jackson winning The X Factor)
According to Life in the UK, where does Father Christmas come from?
Centre Court
If you spill someone's pint in the pub, what usually happens next?
Depending on the pint, Carling drinkers see this as a favour, Stella drinkers prefer the taste when it is licked from the surface of a varnished table, while Guinness drinkers will be cheerfully buoyant about the whole scenario and offer you pork scratchings and a card trick in return.
Which two telephone numbers can you call for an ambulance?
The IKEA Furniture Installation Hotline, and if you are not completely satisfied with your product, they have a dedicated customer care centre who will deal with your inquiry.
What or who is PG?
Peggy Gubbins, inventor of the metallic shoe horn.
The British are a nation of animal lovers, says Life in the UK. What must dog owners do?
Teach animals, over a sustained period of time, how to dance to chart music in exchange for treats. Only then will they be allowed in front of a live studio audience.
Back to that pub. The police turn up with the ambulance and an officer asks you to attend an interview at the station. What are your rights?
To kill all remaining witnesses and make off with the stash.
What's the minimum time you must have been married before you can divorce?
30 years. Although in Devonshire, due to a mistake when drawing up the legal guidelines on marriage, you are required to have been divorced twice before you can remarry.
And finally, what does Life in the UK tell you it is "very important" to do when engaging a solicitor?
Treat them to dinner first.
Mr Rockhop,
ReplyDeleteI felt no small relief upon receiving your correspondence, I had begun to think that you never had any intention of writing anything and had simply absconded with my advance of £10,000 and my wife’s best bed linen. Given that I commissioned you to write ‘the Great British Musical’ I’m sure you can imagine my confusion and bitter sexual frustration to discover you are in Australia. Alas, I think the explanation is a simple one. I must have sent you the plane tickets and strawberry farm job application ear marked for my daughter’s gap year, and given her the month long London theatre pass and 6 week deadline for a 1st draft. It would explain her continued presence in my household, and all the chirpy whistling of show tunes. Still, as I have received a draft from neither of you, this is most unsatisfactory. Life in the UK is a mundane title for a musical, how about something snappy, like Rule Britannia!, Land of Dope and Glory, or Constitutionalise This!
Your ideas are criminally short of coherence, and your hand writing, while illegible, still makes me weak at the knees. Mr Rockhop, I order you home immediately, the strawberry’s can pick themselves as far as I care. Get Writing.
Mine,
Wilson