If you have ever had the misfortune of, say, sitting on someone else's chewing gum, or being penned into a moist, festering corner and forced to endure a nonsensical drunken monologue with a beleaguered vagabond, then you'll no doubt agree that the worst thing you're ever likely to experience in your life will be on a bus. But, just for a change, it's not what's inside these trundling late-running behemoths that's causing a stir, it's what they've gone and written on the outside. As a riposte to the church's sterling PR work (more prominent at tube stops in London), atheists (more specifically, Richard Dawkins and the British Humanist Association) have retaliated with their own indifference by plastering their slightly more understated morals on the sides of buses: "There's probably no god," the poster reads, "now stop worrying and enjoy your life." The writing is now off the wall and on the buses, it seems.
Far be it for me to meddle in issues of truly biblical proportions, but you can't help but notice that the voice from those of the atheist persuasion appears to be altogether less, er, convincing. 'There's probably no god.' That's like saying, 'look, we've given this a lot of thought, and we've discovered that, well, those religious types might actually be right... but, of course, they could also be wrong. Personally, I'm finding this whole situation to be a bit of a grey area, let's just get a pint in at the pub and come back to it later." That's hardly justification to take the moral high ground, and, for the record, I'm fully aware of many people with practicing religious beliefs who don't worry half as much as I do and lead very enjoyable lives. If anything, a sense of belief - whether it be of some all-powerful deity or a healthy diet of wholegrain - is usually enough to conjure up a positive sense of purpose in most of us mere mortals.
Faith has been tested with enough condemnation over the centuries to survive this latest appeal from our bendy buses. And anyway, we live in a tolerant country that is proud of its culture and diversity: such an environment couldn't have evolved without believing that freedom of speech means freedom for all, no matter the sensitivity of the subject. So, really, we should probably be thanking those non-believers for turning our bus windows into theological talking shops rather than merely exercises in plugging hair products. I'm already championing the next possible campaign: is the Pope a Catholic?
If indeed in this world of political correctness it is impossible to call a spade a spade, it should no doubt trouble you that the current crimes unfolding in the very name of the Queen's English are scandalous enough to make the Marquis de Sade blush. Mind you, he never had to network at a time management conference. Here is where, it seems, 
most of the trouble starts, those suited vagabonds, who wouldn't know a Great British linguistic travesty if it slapped them in the face with a big bag of fish and chips, wrapped in the Sun Newspaper with Wayne Rooney's face all over it. A well meaning gentlemen may clock your name badge and hark, 'Gerry Smith, Introspective Design... well well, it seems from the get go that we too are both offering effective IT solutions aimed at both high end enterprise and the grass roots level. Now we've touched base, how can we go forward? Here's my card, the board and I have knocked heads on some practical-based blue sky initiatives and specs which look set to exceed our estimated quarterly financial targets." He'll probably then ask you to 'do lunch' and pocket the VAT receipt.
Education has certainly enjoyed a disillusionment of grammatical proportions for some years now, ever since children were told not to sing songs with the word 'red' in them because it might distract some passing Siberian seagulls during mating season. I refer, of course, to a new school in Sheffield that no longer want to be referred to as a 'school', and instead prefer the title 'a place of learning'. School suggests "negative connotations," says the head, who might now struggle to explain to all of the region's participating parents where their children have been all day, reading all those books and writing stuff. They probably thought they were at a Maccarno convention. But while Ms Radical is starting the word revolution from her own chalkboard, lets hope this sets a precedent in abolishing all those nouns that have really narked us over the years. I've often found the term 'jogging' mortally offensive, and prefer to don my prized slacks for a quick 'oxygenating act of forward propulsion.' And the next time you clock your mother hunched over her ironing board, be sure to congratulate her on her 'de-creasing heat expansion technique.' She might give you a funny look and ask you where you learnt all that nonsense. Not at school, that's for sure.
Following the news that all foreigners seeking British citizenship are now required to undergo a strict 45 minute test to determine their knowledge on the social, political and historical landscape of the country, I thought it wise to undergo a quick revision session on the subject prior to submission. As you’ll no doubt be aware, with the Australian authorities querying my state papers and a missed call from a strawberry farm in Queensland expecting me to turn up on Monday morning, it is with great haste that I hope you can help. Having no access to any research materials other than a Radio Times annual from 1986 and a Blockbuster video card, please excuse me if a number of the more specific details regarding dates, places and people are slightly inaccurate. The majority of the answers were written with a pencil on the back of a bus ticket, and, as you well know, it can be hard to read my handwriting at the best of times.
Life in the UK says to be British means you should...Preheat your oven to Gas Mark 6
Almost 60m people live in the UK. By what factor do the native-born English outnumber their Scots or Welsh neighbours? By a ration of 3:1. Although this is heavily dependent on rush hour traffic.
"The origins of our Parliament were in the early Middle Ages. In 1215 the great barons forced rights from a tyrannical King John". What is that document called?The Da Vinci Code
When did all 18-year-olds get the vote? 2007 (this subsequently resulted in Leon Jackson winning The X Factor)
According to Life in the UK, where does Father Christmas come from? Centre Court
If you spill someone's pint in the pub, what usually happens next? Depending on the pint, Carling drinkers see this as a favour, Stella drinkers prefer the taste when it is licked from the surface of a varnished table, while Guinness drinkers will be cheerfully buoyant about the whole scenario and offer you pork scratchings and a card trick in return.
Which two telephone numbers can you call for an ambulance? The IKEA Furniture Installation Hotline, and if you are not completely satisfied with your product, they have a dedicated customer care centre who will deal with your inquiry.
What or who is PG? Peggy Gubbins, inventor of the metallic shoe horn.
The British are a nation of animal lovers, says Life in the UK. What must dog owners do?Teach animals, over a sustained period of time, how to dance to chart music in exchange for treats. Only then will they be allowed in front of a live studio audience.
Back to that pub. The police turn up with the ambulance and an officer asks you to attend an interview at the station. What are your rights? To kill all remaining witnesses and make off with the stash.
What's the minimum time you must have been married before you can divorce? 30 years. Although in Devonshire, due to a mistake when drawing up the legal guidelines on marriage, you are required to have been divorced twice before you can remarry.
And finally, what does Life in the UK tell you it is "very important" to do when engaging a solicitor? Treat them to dinner first.
