The Toxic Math Christmas Special

We had a lovely Christmas in York; its old cobbled streets looking positively Dickensian. The only thing lacking was a rabble of street orphans. The York Minster is having its east wing stained glass window restored in painstaking detail. We did sheepishly take some photos but I'm never too sure on the etiquette in churches. I have seen people asked to take their hats off. In Vatican City you can't even talk. In some holy places, women have to cover their hair. (Perhaps they can borrow something from the hat racks?) In some Russian Orthodox churches, you can even go to prison for impromptu punk gigs. It's all very confusing.

Trying to get out of York was interesting, as the station descended into the sort of deranged madness you find in disaster films. Trains - the ones that actually existed in a recognisable, tangible sort of way - were running chaotically late. Shoppers laden with bottles and bargains were left staring at digital billboards as their limited holiday time drifted away. I got on the 1357 to Manchester Airport about 20 minutes after it was due to depart. The reason for the hold up: "We apologise for the late running of this First TransPennine Express service to Manchester Airport," a stoic voice declared, "but our driver hasn't had his break yet." During the season of goodwill one has to be charitable.

Another year, another cunning attempt to disguise the taste of sprouts. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is a firm traditionalist who steams his sprouts with whole garlic. We whipped a spoon of Boursin cheese into ours, but people do all sorts: whipped and sliced and blended beyond all recognition. Of course if you don't like sprouts to begin with then I suggest simply replace the sprouts with something you do actually like. On Christmas Day, we had a French feast including foie gras, champagne, saucisson and anchovies, duck legs and ratatouille. I had never eaten foie gras before - the tins had been secured by our French friend via Saint-Tropez. The taste wasn't too dissimilar from most liver patés and not overwhelming enough to warrant the cruelty involved in its production. But try telling that to the French.

At the start of the month, Brits spent £19m an hour over a 24 hour period on December 5th, or 'Cyber Monday' according to the Mail. This was the day the UK bought most of their Apple iPod Touch's and iPad 2's, Harry Potter DVDs and Lego. As a child, the only thing I ever desperately wanted was a replica of the Cats' Lair - the formidable fortress home of the Thundercats, complete with laser light, hidden jail and movable paws. I would have fought tooth and nail for one of those; killed if I had to. Perhaps this is how children feel about the iPod Touch nowadays? The want hasn't changed, although the technology clearly has. I never did get a Cats' Lair, by the way. I see this now as a valuable lesson on how to prepare children for dealing with life's many disappointments. Not that this has left me in any way cynical about Christmas. Did I mention Santa Claus isn't real? Happy holidays everyone.

Top 5 List of Lists of 2012

Everyone likes a neatly compiled end-of-year list at this time of year – the end of it. But how can you possibly decipher the best lists from so many other lists out there? Well, TM has the answer: you need a list, of course.

5. The Top-Earning Dead Celebrities of 2012
Forbes had the foresight to compile this list back in October, presumably hoping that Donald Trump wouldn’t keel over in the interim. This puts big-spending silver screen luvvie Liz Taylor on top of the list for 2012's wealthiest dead celebrities. She earned US $210 million this year. An auction of her extravagant belongings by Christie’s brought in $180 million of that. A staggering sum, but then she did own pearl necklaces from the 16th century and an original Van Gogh. Death has certainly proved to be a wise investment for Michael Jackson. He was promptly signed to a new album deal by his old record company, Sony, which is quite an achievement, especially after he called them all racists. My sympathies go out to any aspiring young bands who would have loved an album deal only to have lost out to a dead guy. Jacko stacked up $140 million in 2012. Jackson’s former father-in-law Elvis Presley is third on the list, earning $55 million. Just think how many cheeseburgers you could buy with that? 

4. The 140 Best Twitter Feeds of 2012
Time’s tech team took time out, it seems, to compile a list of the Twitter feeds which are “shaping the online conversation”. I’m not too sure how you go about shaping a conversation. My guess is that it has something to do with thinking outside the box. In order to compile a list like this you clearly need to be wrestling with an alarming Twitter addiction. This was the year microbloggers seemingly lost the connection between their brains and their finger tips. I’m looking mostly at professional footballers and Sally Burcow here (pictured), but quite a few big organisations have needed to brush up on their social media skills this year. Like the NRA, who tweeted “Good morning, shooters. Happy Friday!” the day after the Colorado cinema shootings. Inc. have put together the 7 Worst Tweets of 2012 which is another great list full of more abhorrent tweeting, corporate cock-ups and #epicfails. 

3. 10 New Words of 2012
The Telegraph have fun compiling 10 new words which have really got up their nose in 2012. Without sounding like too much of a pedant, most of these aren’t technically new words but portmanteaus and acronyms. “Amazeballs” isn’t mentioned here, before you go looking for it. Although a derivative it deserves to be a new word on the basis of making absolutely no sense. Instead, The Telegraph hate “shamazing”, coined by X Factor judge Nicole Scherzinger and then repeated by David Cameron, but then she could have said “shamazeballs” which would have been truly awful. I would still like to see David Cameron say that one. “Mr Osbourne, your Budget reform speech was totes amazeballs,” adding, “I am well jell.” According to Fiona McPherson, senior editor at the Oxford English Dictionary: “In a decade’s time, some will still be around, while others are year-specific. We’ll look back and ask, 'What was that all about?’” We can then put all of this down to one giant omnishambles.

2. Pitchfork: Best Albums of 2012
Ah, Pitchfork. Where would we be without your literary, lefty, trendsetting ways? Still listening to Steps, presumably. Pitchfork is the only music website where you can read a review on ambient glitch hop and know even less after reading it. Their opinions set the playlist for most iPod’s these days, which means Kendrick Lamar (number one and pictured) can expect a big bump in his Spotify ratings. But sorry, have you actually heard the Swans album (number five)? It’s really hard work. It sounds like a hellish ambulance ride sludging its way to the Jim Morrison Funny Farm. Stuart Berman writes that after hearing the album, “you’ll feel physically and emotionally exhausted.” That’s how Pitchfork recommend things. While I’m offering unsolicited opinions, my favourite song of the year is Lone Wolf’s The Swan of Meander. It’s a gorgeous, enveloping and textured swoon which imparts some new hidden delight every time I hear it. He’s touring soon, too.

1. Top 10 Celebrity Mysteries of the Year
I thought I would have a stab at solving some of E!’s celebrity mysteries of 2012. I glanced over a copy of Now! at the hairdressers the other day, so I think this makes me uniquely qualified. “Why can’t Lindsay Lohan stay away from clubs?” Because they are great places to relax and have fun. “When will Brangelina marry?” Next year in a very private ceremony which will not be widely reported by unctuous gossip hounds. “What did we really find on Mars?” A Starbucks. “Why does Taylor Swift keep dating high school boys?” Because she needs their coursework, hair products and skinny jeans to create a highly potent substance which gives her special singing powers. “What is inside the royal womb of Kate Middleton right this very second?” A baby.